So my husband, Will, has been training for a marathon for the past five months. He is a very determined and hardworking person. When he sets his mind to something, he goes after it, wholeheartedly, and I love him for that. I knew the moment he said he was running a marathon that he would, in fact, do it. And do it well.
He signed up for a Marathon in Clearwater, Florida, The Clearwater Classic. We lived in the area of Clearwater/St. Petersburg for one year while he completed a residency program a couple of years ago. We love the area and are always looking for an excuse to go back and visit, what feels like our second home.
I watched as he tirelessly trained. He ran in the rain, he ran in snow, and he ran when it was so cold I couldn’t stand the thought of leaving my warm, cozy spot on the couch. My husband has much more willpower than me, and I’m amazed the determination he throws at whatever he commits himself to. There were some days he would come home, and I could tell by looking at him if it was a good or bad run. No matter good or bad day, I was standing by the door, waiting with a glass of water and ready to help him pull off his sweat soaked shirt (oh the things we do for love).
Some days my husband would need encouragement, sometimes he would just need me to listen, and some days I would come home and find him laying on the ground saying he felt like he had been beaten with a stick, ha!
In my mind, I didn’t totally understand the point of all this agony. It seems quite miserable, and I wasn’t sure what he was getting to get out of completing this. But one of the most important things in a happy marriage is support. Even though I didn’t have a desire to run a marathon, this was something very important to Will, and if it’s important to him, then it’s important for me to be supportive of that. And he would absolutely do the same for me.
Joyful Sacrifice vs. Hateful Sacrifice
With support also comes sacrifice. Here is where supporting your spouse can get a little tricky. To be fully supportive of his marathon I had to be willing to sacrifice. On his days where he would have long runs, it would sometimes take three hours just for the run, not to mention the hours of recovery time after. The extra time this was taking him resulted in me doing more on the weekends, laundry, grocery, cooking, cleaning, and giving up some nights out with friends. And you know what? I was totally ok with it! I found joy in picking up the extra slack so he could pursue something that he wanted to accomplish.
There is a big difference in joyful sacrificing vs. hateful sacrificing, and it can have a significant impact on the quality of your marriage.
What hateful sacrificing does to a relationship
Hateful sacrificing is spiteful, it’s condescending, and it’s a surefire way to infuse resentment into your marriage or relationship. We all know the feeling of hateful sacrificing, it’s thinking we deserve something in return, it’s feeling victimized, it’s comparative, and it’s rationalizing why we deserve more. Years of hateful sacrificing is exhausting, and it can rob us of so many happy moments in our lives. Hateful sacrifice is deceiving in its ways, and it manipulates both people. What if I had chosen to show Will hateful sacrifice? I could have made him feel guilty for leaving all of that work for me or told him I didn’t have time to do the things I wanted to do. But that’s not the marriage I want; it’s not the kind of wife I want to be.
Joyful sacrifice
A while back I got some great advice: What if we approached marriage as what we can give instead of what it can give us? Wow, what a simple but powerful concept. When we stop trying to get something out of it and start giving, that’s when we find true happiness. That is my new motto for my marriage, what can I give my husband? I can give him joyful sacrifice. I can show him love, compassion, support, and understanding when he goes after something he wants. Joyful sacrifice is humble, it’s selfless, it’s kind, and it doesn’t come with strings attached. It’s the kind of wife I want to be.
What do you get out of joyful sacrifice?
The day before the marathon we got a text that they were going to cancel the race due to bad weather coming in. The look on my husband’s face was devastating; I could see the disappointment consume him. We had traveled all that way; he had trained so hard, this was not supposed to happen! We both took a moment to let it sink in. He looked at me and said I came here to run a marathon, and that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to run 26 miles tomorrow, rain or shine.
So what did that mean? Well, it meant I had to get up at 5:30 am to drive him to the starting point so he could beat the weather that was coming in. It meant I had to drive and meet him half way through the run to give him water since there wouldn’t be any water stations set up. And it meant I needed to be more understanding and loving than I had been before.
As I sat by myself on a park bench anxiously waiting for my husband to come around the corner to finish the “marathon” I looked around. There was a big green grassy area in the middle of the park; it was supposed to be filled with people, vendors, and excitement. Instead, it was just me. As I saw my husband turn the corner running towards the “finish line” there were supposed to be crowds cheering and other runners celebrating their great victory. Instead, it was just Will. When he tirelessly finished the “race,” there we were, just him and me alone in the park, celebrating what he had accomplished.
As he panted and gasped for air, I looked at this man differently than I ever had before. I finally got it. This marathon was more to him than just saying he ran a marathon. This is how my husband approaches life, and this is how he approaches our marriage. He doesn’t quit when things don’t go his way, he doesn’t make excuses, and he will certainly never give up.
At the end of the day, just like that day in the park, it’s just him and me making the most out of this life we have together, joyfully giving each other everything we have. Making the most out of whatever life throws our way, celebrating our wins, and encouraging each other in our losses. Happiness, that’s what you get out of joyful sacrifice!
What are some examples of joyful sacrifice that you show your spouse?
Take one small step today,
Xo-Jenna
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